Machete Kills (Open Road Films, R)

Unfortunately, Machete Kills has all the same flaws as its predecessor. It’s not a step down, but it’s not a step up either.

I distinctly remember the release of Grindhouse back in 2007. It was put out on Good Friday, and my friends and I were insanely excited to spend our day off seeing the double feature of carnage and mayhem on the big screen. It was a blast. Everyone in that theater loved that movie, and couldn’t wait to come back for more. Possibly the best part of the whole experience was the fake trailers at the beginning and in between the two movies. The biggest laughs came from Edgar Wright’s “DON’T,” but the one that seemed most adaptable into a real movie was “Machete.” When rumors surfaced that Robert Rodriguez wanted to make it for real, I was pretty excited.

Then Machete actually came out, and I was disappointed. The movie had its moments, but it was a real mess, with way too many characters and subplots. The best jokes had already been told, and the fake grindhouse vibe felt tired. It ended with a declaration that “Machete will return in Machete Kills” and I really didn’t care if that ever actually happened. But it did, and for whatever reason, I found myself once again hopeful that I was in for a good time. Unfortunately, Machete Kills has all the same flaws as its predecessor. It’s not a step down, but it’s not a step up either. It just continues down the line of mediocrity.

These days, it seems that even A-movies are telling B-movie stories, but they all miss one important thing. These movies should be simple. It’s almost a high concept. The character of Machete is your exploitable element, so you put him into a very straightforward story. The first film should have just been a gritty revenge flick and left out the political intrigue which convoluted everything. In this film, the story is literally that Machete has to stop a bad guy from firing a missile and destroying Washington. That’s all you need.

I don’t have the energy to describe all the unnecessary twists and turns and extra characters that populate this story. It’s like Rodriguez wanted to work in every one of his famous friends. I like a lot of these people too, but it doesn’t make me happy to see them show up for one scene and then instantly get taken out of the picture. Everyone loves Danny Trejo and wants to see him as the lead of this film, but as in the first one, he gets lost in the shuffle. It should have been Trejo facing off against Mel Gibson, who could have a couple colorful henchmen and nothing more.

In addition to being messy in terms of characters and plotting, Machete Kills is also incredibly messy in terms of tone. This may be the most fatal flaw. Desdemona, the character played by Sofia Vergara, actually feels like a character from a grindhouse movie. In fact, her back-story is really dark, and feels completely inappropriate for this cartoon she’s in.

Early on, I was getting a strong James Bond vibe. I felt vindicated in the last act of the movie when it very clearly starts to mirror a specific Bond film. This seemed like an odd choice for an exploitation movie, but Bond flirted with exploitation in Live and Let Die, which I happen to love, so I was willing to give it a chance. The problem is, it then veers off into full-on spoof mode. It feels very confused, and it’s frankly exhausting to watch.

The saddest thing about this whole experience is looking at the career of Robert Rodriguez. He was never quite as talented as Tarantino or some of his other contemporaries, but I would say that I’m a fan of his work. I think that the double feature format forced him to keep Planet Terror short and focused. Since then, he’s pretty much just been recycling jokes and bits from his earlier movies. I think he’s actually gotten worse as an action director. He used to move the camera and cut in dynamic ways. Now, most of the fights are comprised of bland medium shots that just sit there on the screen.

And worst of all, the do-it-yourself indie spirit that made everyone like him in the first place is now his greatest weakness. He’s so committed to his digital technology that it seems like he’s constantly settling. The movie looks cheap and shitty. It’s almost as if he’s stopped being a real filmmaker, and he seems perfectly content to just keep making these one-joke spoofs, which are just a few notches above Sharknado. | Sean Lass