So I guess JG,FE is on his way back from C2E2 and I still haven't written a column and he'll probably be home in, like, an hour and change. It's time, nerdlings, time for me to sit down and write something. I don't feel like talking about myself this week, for once, so I better find something fairly universal so let's talk about The Avengers. Everyone else is doing it and we here at Lovefool, Inc. are nothing if not interested in what everyone else is doing. And last night, while I was working myself up to today's minor hangover, someone was like “The Avengers! Three weeks! Let's do this!”, making the third group of people that I've agreed to go see The Avengers with.

 

Let's not pretend I'm not going to see it with all three groups, too. I mean, there's once in regular 2D, once in 3D, and then once in friggin' 3D IMAX. Seriously, it's going to be like I could have theoretical makeouts with Tony Stark. I mean, I can't, because I'm happily wed and he's fictional but whatever. I'm pretty psyched about the whole thing is the point I'm trying to make, though I imagine there are people out there who would read an entire column about how great Robert Downey, Jr.'s Tony Stark is, but I'm trying to have a little more self-control these days.

 

Joss Whedon has gone on record stating that there won't be any romance in this particular movie, since everyone has their own show where they can make all those kissy faces and I'm kind of confused – how can it be avoided? I mean, I am ridiculously excited that my girlfriend, Pepper, is going to be making an appearance, confirmed, for real, finally, in last month's Japanese trailer. Remember those awful days when it seemed like she might not have been invited to the party? I always held out hope, true believers, but it was hard for a while. And how can Pepper and Tony not be in the same movie without a little bit of mush, especially since they are an established movie canon couple? And I guess Whedon's Grinch Who Stole Smooches attitude explains why Thor's girlfriend, Natalie Portman's lovely Jane Foster, won't make the party. I liked Natalie's fresh-faced glam nerd, but she really won't have much place in this movie if there's no kissing and just a bunch of blowing stuff up. I'm into blowing stuff up but c'mon. So it goes without saying that Black Widow and Hawkeye will not be hooking up, even though they are very pretty and should do so. Black Widow and the Hulk won't be hooking up, either, despite that worrying “I'll persuade you” line popping up in some of the trailers. Besides, did the Hulk ever get over Betty?

 

We'll never find out because no one will be hooking up, at all, even a little bit, and I guess what bothers me the most about the lack of love in The Avengers is that it makes it seem like the movie is happening in a bubble. I understand that the Avengers want to save the world and that's important and that they're so awesome there's not a question about them wanting to do that and everything but it's their relationships that make them connected to the world. Without Pepper, Tony would just be some ridiculous asshole hanging out in his basement building cool stuff. Thor would be...well, he'd be a demigod and could just hang around Asgard quaffing mead with his BFFLs. (I actually question that title, incidentally, since Thor is of divine origin all around but whatever. He's also married to Sif in the mythos so we'll just pretend the Norse pantheon doesn't exist.) And I'll admit Steve Rogers is kind of an unknown quantity, having just woken up in the future but, hopefully, he'll meet a nice girl to pitch some further woo at in the upcoming Captain America 2: Cap Harder or whatever it's going to be.

 

Whedon's already said that there's going to be 30 minutes of outtakes on the DVD and, hopefully, some of these will involve the Avengers having interpersonal relationships with people other than their coworkers and a whiskey decanter. (Not that RDJ's Tony Stark doesn't make that prissy decanter look good.) I'm confident that I'll enjoy the movie but I hope it doesn't end up feeling like dinner without dessert, missing that sweetness that adds just the right touch to these movies. I hope that the team dynamic and awesome special effects (helicarrier!) make up for the lack of ties to the real world for the Avengers, so to speak. In the meantime, I'll be over here haunting IMDB for casting news on sequels and third movies and trying to avoid Tony Stark/Steve Rogers fanfiction on Tumblr* when I'm trolling for Avengers images to get me through the next 19 days. | Erin Jameson

 

*This is a real thing. I love you forever, internet.