Ugh. I hate it when I go see a movie all full of hope and slightly bright-eyed and I walk away a giant ball of rage.

 

So I saw the new Star Trek movie last weekend. Mr. J, Mrs. JG,FE and I set forth for the theater with joyful hearts and a few beers in our tummies. I should’ve known something was going wrong when I found myself muttering, “Dude, that’s not how cold fusion works AND OH MY GOD, physics?!? Does it not exist in this universe?!?”

 

Mr. J informs me that I went in with my expectations too high, but all I wanted was a little exposition. Maybe some character development for someone other than Scotty, who was absolutely the most-developed and, therefore, best character in the entire movie. (Seriously, though, Simon Pegg 4eva.) I probably would’ve even settled for Benedict Cumberbatch’s shower scene being left in since I did have to sit through the vaguely uncomfortable and not funny at all underwear scene. Kirk's catgirl threesome was a little gross, too. Way to handle sex, any kind, even a hint of it, Mr. Abrams.

 

But, since we are who we are, let’s talk about the relationship in the movie. Uhura and Spock are still together, though there's really not much of a sign of it until they get into a fight. Heaven help you if you didn't see the first one, I hope you Wikipedia'd it before you walked in. Anyway, Uhura, unfortunately, dammit, ends up sounding like a total harridan when a mission goes wrong and it looks like Spock’s about to head to the great logical place in the sky despite the fact that she’s not fresh out of the Academy. “Space explorer” isn’t quite a desk job, you know? And Uhura is a total boss so what's with the complete lack of professionalism? It’s…well, again, it’s uncomfortable, the way the whole thing plays out. She ends up presented as vaguely shrill and, apparently, surprised that Spock is kind of Vulcan-y. And then, after a fight with Spock in front of Kirk and a few Redshirts as part of an away crew (even Kirk is like “Dude, seriously, now?”) and a botched negotiation of sorts, we’re expected to believe she’s the Enterprise’s best option for saving Spock from having bitten off a bit more than he can chew.

 

And don’t even get me started on that. The communications officer is the best bet to save your Vulcan First Officer, who has jumped right into a nasty close combat situation on a flying vehicle that he doesn't have much chance of winning? Are you f-ing kidding me? Like, I get that she’s saving her man and a fully qualified Starfleet officer and props, but did they not have Security back in the day? And, honestly, I'm a little incredulous that Spock would jump into a situation where he's that outgunned. But that's more of the same from my previous issues, which are basically that J.J. Abrams needs to get someone who knows and loves Star Trek working with him and he's famously said he's not that person.