No Strings Attached (Paramount Pictures, R)

 

 

 

 

 

I feel confident in saying that thanks to Natalie Portman’s recent successes (Black Swan! Pregnant! Engaged! About to win an Oscar!), No Strings Attached will fare better at the box office than it otherwise would have—as a society we just can’t seem to get enough of Natalie right now, and rightfully so. And good copy wants me to say that No Strings Attached is Natalie’s worst-ever movie, but that just wouldn’t be true; she made Where the Heart Is. So, No Strings Attached will have to settle for being her second-worst movie.

 

Yeah, yeah, I know, it isn’t my kind of movie. You’re right—stupid, insulting, predictable pieces of shit aren’t my kinds of movies. I do sometimes like Hollywood romantic comedies, as long as they’re good. No Strings Attached just isn’t good. Frankly, going into the movie I really wanted to like it. Natalie high aside, I like the entire rest of the cast minus male lead Ashton Kutcher—the film’s got The Office’s Mindy Kaling, Greenberg’s Greta Gerwig, Juno’s Olivia Thirlby, St. Louis’ Kevin Kline and more—and it was directed by Ivan Reitman, who of course hasn’t directed a good movie in over 25 years, but I can’t bring myself to give up on him. And even my strong dislike for Kutcher is probably for no reason other than his perceived media personality. The only thing I remember seeing him in is That 70s Show, and I thought he was funny in that. So why can’t I like No Strings Attached?

 

There are really a lot of reasons. Basically it just doesn’t work, in that most frustrating way. I don’t buy or care that Natalie Portman’s Emma would fall for Ashton Kutcher’s Adam, and I don’t think the situation they find themselves in is funny (they’re fuck buddies with no misconceptions that they are in a serious relationship—so edgy! And I don’t see where that’s going at all!). I don’t think the movie’s numerous gay caricatures, gay jokes, nonsensical character developments, pot smoke spit-takes or Natalie’s shitty one-liners (playing miniature golf: “I just made that hole my bitch!”) are funny. I’d say that the entire cast is miscast (Kutcher aside), but the problem isn’t that they can’t do it, it’s that they shouldn’t do it.

 

There are two likely ways for No Strings Attached to work into the world of Natalie’s recent successes; it can profit immensely off of them or it will spoil everything (remember how Eddie Murphy saw Norbit get released as he was campaigning for Dreamgirls and he failed to win where everyone was expecting him to?). My guess is that it will be the former, but really if either thing happens it will just make me mad. The fact that this movie exists just makes me mad. | Pete Timmermann