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Wednesday, 25 January 2006 05:33

You’d better pray that Bono continues to practice strict Jackassery, because you are now #2 on our list.

It’s Not a Sellout if Nobody Buys It | Friends, we’d like to take a minute to make you aware of an important investment opportunity that may have flown under your Conspicuous Consumption Radar. Celebrity Cellars has teamed with Madonna and the Rolling Stones—both known for their reluctance to endorse shoddy products—to issue commemorative editions of wine in their honor. Because when we think of Madonna and Mick Jagger, we think of cheap pinot grigio...wait, we totally do! Good job, guys! For a mere $20 to $100, divorcées who are stumped about what to buy for their new gay pals and their sugar-daddy boyfriends can choose from two hand-etched/painted Madonna bottles (one in which “Madonna’s perpetual dance motion is captured”—impossible!) and several versions of the Rolling Stone Classic Tongue. (Don’t worry boring teetotalers, in addition to the grigio, barbera, and cabernet sauvignon, there’s an “UnWine” for you—now quit judging us.) These will sell out faster than yo’ momma’s used underwear, so don’t think—just spend. And what to do with the bottle once the wine has been drunk and Saturday night’s rollicking game of “Scene It” is complete? Most likely scenario: Let it gather dust in your cupboard until you ditch it at Goodwill, where it gathers additional dust until a kitch-lovin’ hipster picks up for 50 cents (bargained down from $1). And that, dear readers, is the Circle of Crap.

Cornell Screeches/Wails—This Time, for Justice | Chris Cornell has been shouldering some heavy baggage—no, not the infant daughter he parades at post-concert photo-ops in an Audioslave T-shirt (dude, you’ve turned her into that girl)—emotional baggage from his first marriage to former manager Susan Silver. Once we got over the surprise that Soundgarden continued to have a wife/manager after the band achieved national status (that shit is strictly local), we tried to wade our way through the lawsuits. Cornell filed a $1 million civil action against Silver last fall, claiming she conspired to deflect money belonging to the band and is holding his library of music/lyrics and Grammy awards hostage. [Ed. note—Noooo! Not the statuettes!] A few months later, he alerted California’s Labor Commission that Silver violated the Talent Agency Act years earlier when she booked several Soundgarden gigs, including a Saturday Night Live appearance, without a talent agent license. Jesus, don’t smoke a blunt with Cornell—look at him cockeyed later and he’ll narc like your shithead little brother. We make it our business to stay out of matters of the heart, so FIAB will avoid taking sides, but we will start a betting pool on the month/year that their kid starts intensive therapy. E-mail us your dates and we’ll work up a fancy calendar with possible accompanying bar graph. Good luck!

Crayze for Swayze | For those of us saddened by the fact that the Hasslehoff rap rumor turned out to be just that, here is our second chance for true satisfaction: Patrick Swayze is up for it. We think he’s serious, too. The one-time Double Deuce Club head bouncer is reportedly working on a song that will illustrate how “rap rhythms are an emotional undercurrent for ballads.” Uh, somebody should maybe tell Johnny Castle that his point has already been illustrated—it’s called R&B. Whatever—we’ll take it. With the rapping, appearing on Dancing With the Stars, and filming his latest blockbuster (OK, providing voice characterization for The Fox and the Hound 2), the man is a triple threat. Don’t call it a comeback, Swayze never left! No one puts baby in a corner! Ditto! Rock ’n’ roll! And so forth.

All You Pervs Threaten Usher’s Serious Art-Producing Abilities | We don’t know how you could possibly miss the artistic vision clearly present Usher’s vast video and live performance collection, but somehow he got the idea that certain listeners don’t always appreciate his vocal and lyrical genius. To quote: “The focus has moved too far from my music to my body. As a serious artist I have to address that.” (Sample of said art: “Now tell me, do you wanna get freaky?/Cause, I’ll freak you right I will, I’ll freak you right I will/I’ll freak you like no one has ever made you feel...yeah!”) Can’t a muscular, shirtless guy writhe around with sweaty models without you people getting all grabby? It was hot in that smoke-and-wind-machine–filled soundstage, ? Excuse him for having pretty abs. Watch for him to debut his new look—we’re hoping for some old-school Boyz II Men-style turtleneck/vest/dress-shorts action—on upcoming TRL appearances.

Worst Seasons 10-18 Ever | Remember when The Simpsons was a brilliant satire? When the writers cared about character development, and didn’t just rely on bullshit guest stars (N’Sync? Kid Rock? Is this the fucking Muppet Show?), short-shelf-life pop culture jokes (a lá Family Guy), and Homer-as-sociopath storylines? Thank Jebus for the DVDs, because we had to abandon new episodes when Bart jockeyed in a horse race as “Going the Distance” by Cake played over. Great, now we’re crying. Anyway, following in the legendary footsteps of 50 Cent and Fantasia, the White Stripes are slated to play themselves in an fall episode called “Jazzy and the Pussycats,” in which Bart pursues jazz drumming (and later parodies “The Hardest Button to Button” video). Homer probably beats him up for it or something—we’re going to try not to think about it.

*Bonus exasperation | Meg White has been quoted as enthused about guesting on the show although she “wouldn’t want to be in a Lisa episode. They’re kind of boring. Maybe a Homer one would be better.” Ooh, bitch. We didn’t take the bad drumming and ill-fitting pants personally, but this palpably ignorant comment has awakened an ancient rage inside. You’d better pray that Bono continues to practice strict Jackassery, because you are now #2 on our list.

| The above are the opinions of Fish in a Barrel, and not necessarily those of the editors of PLAYBACK:stl. Just the funny ones. And the ones who vow that if lying fashion-bag Karen O won’t gift the world with a cat-focused album, they will.